DRAFT Magazine

Dude, you have a new play?!?!?!?

You both star in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, possibly the best show on television (even if we only watch it on Hulu). You’re also married and just announced you’re expecting your first child. How touching.

We have no idea how you’re going to work Sweet Dee’s pregnancy into the show, but it will be fun to watch. She’s for sure going to have to cut down on her drinking (and that whole reoccurring crackhead thing). Good luck.

But yeah, congrats you two kids. We’ll get you a beer (even if you might be terrible people.)

In 30 minutes, your two soccer (football) powerhouses will take the field (pitch) against each other in a Champions League (NCAA Tournament?) Round of 16 match.

Mr. Ancelotti, you said you’d have a beer with your rival… but only after your Chelsea squad defeats his forces from Inter Milan.

“I will beat Mourinho, and then invite him for a beer,” you stated. “It’s what happens here. He will receive a great reception at Stamford Bridge. He deserves it.” Isn’t that nice and chummy?

Football, bringing the world together… much like beer.

You have a dream… to be the world’s fattest woman. You already weigh well over 600 pounds — good enough to be the largest mother on the planet — but you’re not satisfied. You’re shooting for 1,000 pounds, which requires you to inhale 12,000 calories per day.

“My favourite food is sushi, but unlike others I can sit and eat 70 big pieces of sushi in one go,” you told the Telegraph. (We once ate 70 pieces of sushi in one go, but that’s another story.) Your husband, who weighs 150 pounds, encourages you to continue eating.

You spend $750 per week on food. Now you can spend a little bit less on beer. Congrats?

A couple months back, you — the little computer giant that could — released the iPad to surprisingly tepid reviews. That’s all well and good, but now you’re selling 20,000 per hour. Wow. So much for reviews making a difference.

We’re not sure about the whole iPad thing — seems like more of an accessory than a necessity — but we guess people want them. And you’re selling them. Over and over again.

We want to reward success, so a beer for you. Actually, check that. You clearly have enough money. Buy us one (and throw in an iPad will you?)

Last night on Jimmy Fallon’s show, you debuted Terrible Love, the first song off your upcoming album, High Violet. Not going to lie: simply stunning.

It starts out slow and contained but then really picks up there right around the four-minute mark. Reminiscent of 2005s Alligator, back when you were poor and young and angry. The performance bodes well for the coming record.

You’re playing Radio City Music Hall in June. We’d strongly encourage anyone who likes music to attend. Good luck finding seats.

Last night, you appeared on The Daily Show to discuss your new book, Courting Disaster. You and Jon Stewart got after it in a way that makes for great television, but perhaps not so wonderful for Democratic-Republican relationships.

You contended that President Barack Obama is making the world dangerous while your former boss, President George W. Bush, “made mistakes” but had a better track record keeping the terrorists at bay. Stewart, among other things, wondered if the Right calling the lawyers who defended terrorist suspects as the “Al-Qaeda Seven” was a bit “pejorative.” It was great. And you surely need a beer afterwards.

(Here’s the interview if you’re interested. Set aside 11 minutes; it’s compelling stuff.)

You both passed away yesterday. Sad, of course, but you were a combined more than 228 years old so it was probably about time.

Mary Josephine, you were the oldest person in the United States at 114 years, 294 days. According to your friends, you were the life of the party. “She just enjoyed life. She never thought of dying at all,” Katherine Ray said. “She was planning for her birthday party.”

Daisey checked in at 113 years, 342 days. Respectable indeed.

The honor for oldest person in the U.S. now falls to Neva Morris, of Ames, Iowa, at age 114 years, 216 days. She’s getting a beer, too.

You wore a very nice dress last night. Well done.

Go watch the video for This Too Shall Pass.